Posted 06-15-2010 at 01:50 PM by Ayekee
I know I am not the perfect son. I am aware that I was never the perfect son and I know that I never even came close to it. I have done so many wrong things out of my personal impulse, I have continued to neglect the feelings of others around me especially to the ones closest to me. I have the reasons to back up for my actions with research from the online encyclopedias and some news feeds saying that hormonal changes among teenagers cause this kind of behavior, but now I'm not going to make that as an excuse, because even if these drastic changes in hormones are present, there are still some people like my age who treat their loved ones as the most important people in the world everyday. Compared to me, I am nothing. If there were others like me, they would've been disowned right away. But me? No I was not. That's when I suddenly realized, I realized how wrong I was. I couldn't sleep at night just thinking about it, spending weeks of vacation on drinking and bonding with my cousins to bury the guilt that I felt inside. All the wrong things that I've done all come back to me and I keep on thinking on how I can take it back. My mother, who was always there for me ALWAYS there for me, her only son whom she devoted all of her attention, ALL of her attention. You can only imagine someone obsessed could only do this, but she wasn't. She did all those things out of love. She spent sleepless nights watching me as a baby, fearing that the blanket might cover my face causing me to suffocate, watching closely to see if there were mosquitoes trying to bite me. She wouldn't even let anyone else try to hold me, fearing that they might accidentally drop me. She bought the best of the best things for me. A perfect combination of nature and nurture. She is the most special woman in my life. But I have abused her and taken advantage of her so many times, because she couldn't say no to her only son. I could count ten thousand times that I've hurt her that I thought I forgot, but I still remember every bit of it in the back of my mind. But still, she is my mother, unrelenting support, unconditional love above anything else in the world. But all of these things could not compare to my father. I've known him to be the hardest man I've known, always shouting out what to do his word is law. He has the final decision no matter what the given circumstance. I have secretly hated him for that, but I was too blind to see, see the reason for all his shouting and acting all tough and hard. He was trying to serve as the very foundation of our family, sturdy, steadfast, solid and trustworthy. His principles in life make him as hard as diamonds for he is constantly under pressure. It was out of my knowledge that he was also secretly hating someone, but it was not me. It was his company, he was constantly under pressure. This kind of pressure was not right, the company was owned by a chinese man, a man who cared about the money and only the money then all else can just go to hell. It was against his principles to work for this man.
He was constantly humiliated in front of the staff at the meetings, but he was not meant to be humiliated he is a good man and good manager with good morals and excellent judgment and I'm not saying this because I am his son, but this is the truth as I see it with my own eyes. The company wanted to pressure him so much that any ordinary man would just resign. But he didn't, a crazy and stupid decision towards himself. But he made the decision to stay anyway because he wasn't thinking about himself, he was thinking about me. He did not resign because he still had a son that was about to enter college. He couldn't stand seeing me without education, he couldn't stand seeing me working and studying at the same time, because he made a personal promise to get me through school with his power, because I am his responsibility and no one could take that up except him because he is the father. Sure, he could just resign and find another company but he was already 50, you can't find good jobs in this country, the Philippines, with that age. So he sacrificed himself for me, constantly taking the unneeded and harsh untrue insults and humiliation. Every time he wanted to let go, he'd think of me and he'd hold on again. He didn't even consider the fact that I was the most prodigal son of all history. Playing games all the time. Not paying attention to school. Always home late and not asking permission to go out. Yes I did all that shit and I didn't think of anyone else but me, still he remained faithful, he always said that I would change. He encouraged me to enroll in Silliman University to pursue my dream on becoming a doctor, he assured me that he can provide my needs financially even though I knew he lied. Still he delivered, he gave most off the money to me cutting down expenses on himself and mom just to make me comfortable. I was in the City being all pampered, while they were just rotting on some shithole province enduring 3 basic meals a day and they wouldn't even be satisfied. Then he called me, he wanted to check up on me, check up on the money. I said "Yeah, I'm doing just fine dad. What about you?", and he said "We're doing great here too son hehe. *Sniff." I reacted to the sniff and I asked, "Hey dad, you okay? Are you sick?", then he said, "I'm just fine don't worry about me, I'll send you some more money son so you can go on with your studies, just please don't do some unnecessary spending okay? We love you." I noticed that his voice was broken, like he was crying and I realized that I was crying too. I realized that they are willing to go that far as to not even eating properly?! I was absolutely speechless for 10 seconds after that, then he said bye and dropped the phone. I dropped down to my knees as I realized what a complete asshole that I've become. So I've changed. Studying in a university isn't a luxury anymore and I will not aim for a random scholarship blindly and arrogantly, school won't be casual for me anymore, I'd give up every bit of recreation. Hell, I already threw away DotA. Now it's a mission. This is the only thing I know I can do to repay the years of suffering and hardship of my parents. Even if I should have been the one to experience it from the start. Now I know how special I am. I've got awesome parents and I'm gonna be the most awesome son. From now on. I will be the one to wipe the tears off of your faces. I may not say this often. But this time I mean more than everything, tears fall from my face as I say.
I love you Mom, Dad.
Don't give up on me just yet.
Happy Mother's and Father's day.
I love you.
I love you.