Epics and Legends Writing Battle XIII

[-psycho]

Random moaning calms down?.. That's new.

[Ex_Venomancer]

^ try it.
p.s.: I haven't tried it.

[.Budi]

Waaaah. I got no time. :/

[Draguuro-Manchi]

Started mine last night, around 1/4 already.

Not a quality one though, is not in the mood

[vijju1234567890]

Originally Posted by Draguuro-Manchi

Started mine last night, around 1/4 already.

Not a quality one though, is not in the mood

CC shall burn you alive ................

[badmafa]

This 2 week writing period is kicking my ass, but it's really good practice. I can't procrastinate like a douchebag so much.

[CynthiaCrescent]

Originally Posted by Draguuro-Manchi

Started mine last night, around 1/4 already.

Not a quality one though, is not in the mood

Really doesn't matter. Write what you want, then feel free to scrap everything and write it again from the start.
My entry took three tries, I wrote a straight 1000 words each time.

[Strange_Kid]

Kicked psycho as he requested ~_~

[noonepwnedsome1]

Originally Posted by Strange_Kid

Kicked psycho as he requested ~_~

Oh?

[Draguuro-Manchi]

Title: Awareness
Number of words: 2,500(This includes everything, the quotes, spoilers tag, the image link, and the title, etc.) (word count decreased I think.)

Awareness

“I’ll never do drugs again, I’ll never do drugs again, I’ll never do drugs again, never, never…”

I repeatedly utter these words as I rock myself on the floor, arms being flapped in the air.

“I’ll never do drugs again, I’ll never do drugs again, I’ll never do drugs again, never, never…”

“Here birdy, birdy. Come eat some tasty candy…”

My god this shit’s so good I should share it to the whole word.

Suddenly, men in black suits kicks their way into the house.

“Stay where you are!”

“AHHHHHHH!!!!!” I’m crying like a sissy girl that got her new bieber album for free.

“AHHHHHHH!!!!!” I’m frantically panicking around the room, hitting walls, knocking down picture frames and stuff.

No… must… focus…

“Finally got ahold of you freaky bastard. John, take the bird, let’s finish this quick.”

The bird? What bird? Oh! The bird! Oh no! The bird’s singing! Where’s the bird?! What the fuck is happening?!? He’s looking into my eyes… he’s devouring me… he’s… NOOOOOOO!

Flash.

A flash of light beams from a distance. Everything around me’s pearl white. Clouds are everywhere, a golden gate. Big boobies… hmmmm… really, really, big boobies!

One of them whispers to my ear as the other holds a triangle.

“Mmmmmmmmmmiiiiiiiccccccchhhhhhaaaaaaeeeeeelllllll lll… eh!”
*Ting!*
“Yoooooooooooouuuuuuuuu aaaaaaarrrrrrreeeeee ddddddeeeeeaaaaadddd… eh!”
*Ting!*
“Weeeee…. ECK!!”
I grabbed the annoying booby’s neck.
“Hold it sugarplum, you might be the biggest pair of boobies that I have ever seen, but can you speak a little more decently? I’m running out of patience here…”
*Ting!*
“And would you…”
I grabbed the other booby’s triangle too.
“FUCKING CUT IT OUT WITH THIS TINGING SHIT! SERIOUSLY!”

I threw it away far enough for it to disappear from view.

“Finally! Some peace and quiet!”
The booby with the triangle gulped, and softly whispered,
“ting…”

“GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
I strangled the booby until it turned blue. I strangled it so hard until it started flapping its wings for mercy, screaming out “Uncle, uncle!” even if I didn’t ask it to.
“Please stop! You’re hurting my brother!”
I turn my head towards the other booby, and shouted,
“OH SO NOW YOU’RE CAPABLE OF PROPER SPEECH? DOES IT PAIN YOU TO SEE YOUR BROTHER DYING HUH?! TELL ME!!”
The booby cries out, “YES! YES! IT PAINS ME TO SEE HIM IN PAIN NOW PLEASE STOP!”
I kept shaking the booby violently as I strangle its neck. “TELL ME WHERE I AM AND I’LL STOP.”
“YOU’RE IN HEAVEN! YOU’RE DEAD!” the other booby cried out.

I stopped choking the other booby, and as the camera pans closer onto my face(not that there is one, I just want to imagine that there is) and the dramatic music rolls, I whisper to myself as I sob lightly…

“I’m… I’m dead?”
“Uhuh…” answered the boobies in chorus.
“So… *sniff* I’ll never be alive again?”
“Uhuuuuuuuh…” answered the boobies in chorus again.
“So… I’ll be staying here, like, forever?”

*ting*ting*ting*ting*ting*!!

The music suddenly changes into a tune similar to that of Looney Tune’s theme.

*Tentetentententententen tentententen*Tentetentententententententen tenten*

From off-screen, random girls wearing bunny costumes and top hats while they hold black wooden canes dance around me. From behind me, the golden gate elevates and one by one, steps form infront of it. A red carpet rolling down onto my feet. From behind the golden gate, a fat man on a suit and tophat floats out, slowly being carried down by cherubims who seem to be having a hard time carrying him. Boy that sure break their sweats.

The man pulls out a card from his coat, and from the sky, a mic falls precisely onto his pals.

“Young man, congratulations! You have been chosen as one of our new, one-hundred-percent dead citizen! Wear this white robe and laurel on your head and be proud! You’re in heaven!”

Wait, what?

“Cut the music, what’s this shit you’re up with? Me, dead? I was perfectly alive around 5 minutes ago.”
“Actually, it’s already been 9 but who cares? Welcome aboard!”

The cherubims start pushing me towards the fat guy. I gave each of them a solid punch right at the face.

“The hell with you.” I said, then I proceeded to run towards the fat guy.
“Ohoho, feisty now are we? Then, to hell with you it is!”
He pulls out a fork from his pocket, grabs me on the chest with his gigantic hands, and stabs me in the ass with the fork.

“YEOCH!”
“WELCOME… TO HELL!!”

Suddenly the white background turns into a sea of flame, stalagmites and stalactites protrudes from everywhere. Sexy demons in lingerie starts popping up one by one as they dance on stripper poles and lashes those poor guys pinned on the crosses.

“Ehh… I have the weirdest boner right now… YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!” the fat guy pulls the fork on my ass so fast I didn’t have time to think.

“You better enjoy your stay, this is what you deserve, so this is what you shall get! MUHAHAHAHAHA!”

(Writer’s note: I suddenly remembered the time where I posted in one of the ELWB’s that “comedy” is not a good way of writing. Wow… look at me writing this bullshit up right now)

“NOOOOOOO!!!”

Okay, enough with the crap, hey, writer, where’s the suicide mission out here? Hello?
Writer: I forgot about that, sorry.
You better be! I’m speaking as a narrator here right now, mind putting me up in my character’s persona or something?
Writer: Wait, I’ll put you in some suicide mission right now… annnd… there!

The background changes into a building of some sorts. I can hear the sound of a helicopter from a close distance. I turn around and behind me, a bright light flashes. The helicopter is behind me. I can hear the person riding the helicopter say something, but it’s unclear.

“*Pzzt* *chop*chop*chop*chop*chop*chop*chop* *Pzzt*”

I signalled the guy at the helicopter that I can’t hear anything. He gives it another try.

“*Pzzt* *chop*chop*chop*chop*chop*chop*chop* *Pzzt*”

“I CAN’T HEAR YOU!!” I shouted.

He picks up a megaphone and shouts, “*Pzzt* THE HELL WITH THIS SHIT! HEY YOU! WE GOT YOU SURROUNDED AND IF YOU DON’T SURRENDER, YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!”

He throws the megaphone at me, “*Pzzt* WELL WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY?”

Some dead guy on the ground slyly raises up a cue card. It writes “Say Never!”

“*Pzzt* I’LL NEVER SAY NEVER!!”
The guy who raised the cue card face palmed. I threw the megaphone back to the guy at the helicopter.

“*Pzzt* THEN YOU AGREE TO SURRENDER TO US?!”

He throws the megaphone back at me,

I look around, and I see another dead guy writing something on the wall with his blood. It says, “Say No!”

“*Pzzt* NO!”

Then I threw the megaphone back at him and ran for my life.

They began following me and shooting at me with their machine guns. Too bad I’m goddamn Neo from the Matrix. I jumped towards their helicopter and stopped the bullets coming my way. I shot straight to the pilot side and flew like an arrow, piercing their cute little helicopter. By the time I noticed, I was flying like a speeding bullet and can’t stop.

“HELP MEEEEE!!!”
Writer: Hey! You have a suicide mission to do!
“Oh, yeah right!”
Writer: Take two!

I got back to the building.

Writer: Aaand, action!

I can hear the sound of a helicopter from a close distance. I turn around and behind me, a bright light flashes. The helicopter is behind me. I can hear the person riding the helicopter say something, but it’s unclear.

He takes out his megaphone and shouts,

“Surrender and you’ll have a fair trial!”

I reply, “NEVER!”

I start running away from them, and they began shooting at me with their machine guns. I took a turn to the right, leading me to the heart of the building; somewhere where the helicopter can’t reach me.

I hid inside an air duct(like any other awesome guy on a suicide mission will do), and checked my pocket for clues. I mean, what the hell writer, you didn’t even fill me in about what I’m supposed to do here.

Writer: Sorry.

Well anyways, I found a phone. I checked the messages and one of them writes, “If you ever want to see your precious bird again, come by the helipad on top of the building, with love, Tha Powliz. PS: That was some good shit you have back home.”

“These fuckers better have my shit or else I’ll fucking kill them.”

I slowly crawled inside the air duct, looking for an exit. Around an hour or so of crawling, I got out on the 79th floor.

Since the top floor’s about 30 floors above, I took an emergency elevator which, like any normal action movie, is right outside the air duct I just got out of.

I took my time, tapping my foot, checking my nails, and fixing my hair as the elevator music rolls while I wait for the elevator to reach the top floor.

*Ding* goes the elevator, and from there, some guys in camouflage holding M16’s are lined up, bowing before me.

“The master awaits you!” they shout in chorus.

I walked towards the stairs leading to the helipad, and from there I saw the fat guy again, this time he’s holding my bird in his hand, stroking it slowly while his eyes roll from the experience.

“Ohhh my god… I just love stroking a cute, little bird. It’s soo tingling.”

His left foot starts twitching.

“Ohh… Oh! Oh! Please stop!”

His mouth starts to water.

“Ohhhh… yes, yes, yes!”

“EHEM!” I interjected.

“Oh, yeah, right, sorry. Ehem, ehem. So… YOU! SURRENDER YOURSELF OR SAY BYE BYE TO YOUR CUTE LITTLE BIRDIE!” the fat man shouted.
“What if I don’t want to?”
“Then the birdie dies!”
“Wait, why do I have to surrender anyways?”
“Because this bird is an endangered bird and you fucking fed it drugs and now it’s going to die!”
“What? What the hell it wasn’t my fault, that fucking bird flew onto my window!”
“Well who cares? You fed it with drugs! Look at it! It’s dying!”
“Woah, chill the fuck out man, I’m tripping as fuck right here. Go, fucking stroke me like a baby again. Go, come on, pussy!” The bird said.

Both me and the fat man are in a daze, but we got over it quick.

“Anyways, I’m supposed to get that bird, so can we just get over this quick and do the battle scene?” I ask.
“Oh, okay the, to battle!” the fat man replied.

He placed my bird inside a cage, picked up a pistol, and starts shooting at me. I jumped down the stairs, picked up an M16 just magically laying down there, and began shooting at the fat guy. He hid behind the helicopter but he got shot on the leg anyway.

“Gah!” he screams.

I quickly ran towards my bird, and he shot at me until his magazine’s flushed. I got ahold of my bird’s cage, and as I was about to run away, he pulls a detonator button from his coat. He presses the button and I jump down from the building. A beautiful fireworks show explodes right as my feet gets off the helipad.

As I’m falling down from the building, I ask myself.

“Why the fuck did I jump?”

Then suddenly my bird lights up, the cage explodes and he turns into a magical white dragon with two tails.

“Come at me bro! Ride the wind with me!” He offers.
“Aragon!” and I rode on his back and gave him a hug.

We flew towards the ends of the earth, and we lived happily ever after.

Just kidding. After a few hours the effects of the drug wore off, I woke up on the floor with two policemen, my owner, and a broken helicopter at the neighbour’s backyard.

Whatever happened back there, I was sure that’s one heck of a trip right there.

Oh, and I’m the bird by the way, cause maybe you’re confusing me for my owner. And oh, yes, my kind is an endangered species. I am an Abbott’s Booby from Australia, and for the record, there’s only up to about 5,000 of us left as of 2000. Now that I’ve shared my story with you, maybe it’s time for YOU to spread the news around. Save the boobies. SAVE THEM. If you have to die to save them then DIE AND SAVE THEM. Fuck PETA, they don’t care for us anyways.

And don’t do drugs kids, that shit’s not just bad for you, it’s also bad for us birds. Never feed your pets drugs, it might kill them. Thank you.

Oh, and if you didn’t understand the story, here’s what happened,
Me and my owner was chilling at home, right? Danking that kush and 420 blazing it until the police comes in. I shitted myself and hit my head hard on some stuff at the house. I fell onto the ground and they pinned my owner down. Too bad for them we were hotboxing at home, and the weed’s just grade A shit you don’t find anywhere, so they start tripping too, began playing with the triangle and talking real slow like shit. They’re like “Michael, you’re dead” and this other guy kept playing the triangle and all that. Then my owner starts chocking these fuckers up and shit like that. He steps on the televisions remote and it starts playing a porno flick or something. Then the police got out, and after a few hours they got back with a helicopter and some fireworks. These guys start lighting our house up and shooting the machine gun, then they crashed the helicopter at the neighbour’s backyard. When they got down, one of them picks me up and starts stroking me like a freaking rooster. My owner stand up and asks, “What the fuck guys, what do you need anyways?”. They compose themselves and say that I’m an endangered bird and ownership of me is illegal. Then my owner picks up one of the guns the police left behind and starts shooting at them, he hit one on the leg, and then he picks me up. The other police’s like more whack than this other guy; he starts lighting up fireworks and bam! Best display of trippy pyrokinetics in the world right there. Then we all just got tired and fell onto the ground when the drug’s effect wore off.

But hey, it’s up to you to choose whatever story you think is more believable. Oh, there’s another one,

None of this happened, I’m just an endangered bird imagining things cause life is so boring being caged inside a zoo, trying to amuse children smothering snot all over my observation window. God, I wish I can just wear mud and start going all John McCain all over this shit. Fuck reality.

PS: Smoke weed everyday, peace!

[.Budi]

This ELWB will have like 3 entries.

[Fate Trap]

I'll write something in one day if someone extends the deadline to the 18th.

[vijju1234567890]

Originally Posted by .Budi

This ELWB will have like 3 entries.

Krieg and AvA will surely put.

Fate and tanan I m not sure.

But if that happened obs will atleast be 3rd XD

[CynthiaCrescent]

Write first questions later

[Ex_Venomancer]

3 days? D: so fast.

[Draguuro-Manchi]

Come on guys, I wrote that in an hour or something.

[-AvA-]

I'm personally fine with the deadline though I can understand if there are some who would like an extension. I'd say, maybe, a 3 day extension?

If you think about it, there is a four day gap between the result announcement and the start of March. I understand that this was meant to be time for planning the upcoming ELWB, but I don't see why the judging and the discussion can't be concurrently.

[CynthiaCrescent]

I'm here to give advise to the writers:

"Get your shit together"

I shall now try and take my own advice.

[Kriegskanzler]

I agree with -AvA-. Should the moderator find it necessary, then the 3-day extension can be done.

[PuЪLiㄷEиəℳy#1]

What's a good onomatopoeia for a war trumpet being blown? I can start my judge's entry with that.